LOL... this is freakin' hilarious and sooooo TRUE!!! hahahaha... I'm sure
you ER nurses will agree... kinda long but funny!!  and for the rest of you
(non-medical people)... take it as friendly advice for your next ER visit
(hopefully never).....


Rules for the Emergency Room

Here are some tips to those who may end up in an ER, be it for yourself or
a family member.

   ** If it requires the ambulance team and entire truck of firefighters to
transport you and safely place you on a hospital stretcher it is time to go
on a diet.
** When you present to the triage nurse, do not tell him/her that your
doctor called ahead. If you survey our waiting area, probably 50% of the
people waiting said the same thing and the other 50% use the ER as their
regular doctor.

** Never start out by saying, "I was searching the Internet....."

** When asked how much you weigh, please do not give the deer in the
headlights look, and tell us you really don't know. It's a simple question,
simple answer.

** Just because you have a phone and know how to call 911, we are not
impressed by your arrival on an ambulance stretcher. You had better be
sick.

** If you came escorted via EMS for multiple complaints that started more
than one week ago and your entire family followed the ambulance to the
hospital, you will be labeled a pussy and treated like one, enjoy the
waiting area with your family.

** One complaint/ailment per visit, please.

** Just because you came in on a ambulance, doesn't mean you're going home
on one. You better start making arrangements, now. I am not driving you
home, or figuring out how to get you home. Cab vouchers are not an option.

** If you have one of these four, go to your own doctor in the morning: A
migraine; the Flu; a stomach virus; or a stuffy nose.

** Do not ask us how long it will be. We don't know. I don't know what is
coming through my door 30 seconds from now and so I sure as hell don't know
when you're getting a room.

** We have priorities. We understand that you have been waiting for two
hours in the waiting room. If you don't want to wait, make an appointment
with a doctor. The little old lady that just walked in looking OK to you is
probably having a massive heart attack. That is why she goes first.
** If your mother is a patient and we ask her a question, let her answer
it.

** If your child has a fever, you had damn well better give it Tylenol
before coming in. DO NOT let the fever remain high just so I will believe
the child has a fever. Do you want your child to have a seizure? Do you?

** If you are well enough to complain about the wait, you are well enough
to go home.

** Do not utter the words "it is in my chart", I don't have your chart, and
I don't have the time to call and get it. Just tell me.

   ** We know how many times you've been to an ER. We can usually tell if
you are faking it during the first 5 seconds of talking to you.

** Do not lie to us. If you lie about one thing, we will assume you are
lying about everything. You don't want that.

** If you have diabetes and do not control it, you are committing slow
suicide.

** If you are a female between 16 and 42 and your last period was between
28-35 days ago, please don't waste our time if you are here for abdominal
pain and vaginal bleeding. Guess what!!?? You got your period, again.

** Do not bring your entire posse with you. One person at the bedside is
all you need. It is really difficult to get around seven people in the
event
that you are really sick.

** Every time I ask you a question, I learn more about what is wrong with
you. I don't care if I asked you what day it is four different times. Each
time I ask, it is for a reason. Just answer the questions, regardless
whether you have answered them before.

** If you want something, be nice. I will go out of my way to piss off rude
people.

** Our definition of sick is not your definition of sick. If a member of the ER staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the>process of D-Y-I-N-G. They have had a massive stroke, are bleeding out, having a heart attack, or shot. We don't consider a kidney stone sick.
Painful, yes. Sick, no.

** At any given time, one nurse has four patients. One doctor has up to 15.
There is a law (similar to Murphy's) in the ER. If you have four patients:
one of them will be sick (see above for definition); one of them will be
whining constantly; one of them will be homeless; and one of them will a
delightful patient. (don't be the whiner). Please.

** If you see someone pushing a big cart down the hall at full speed and
you hear bells going off, do not ask for a cup of coffee. Someone is dying,
you inconsiderate asshole. In the ER, bells don't ring for nothing. Sit
down, shut up, and let us work.

** If you can bitch about the blood pressure cuff being too tight, or the
IV
hurting, you are not in that much pain.

** Physicians and nurses are not waiters. We are not customer service
representatives. This is not McDonalds, and you very well may NOT have it
your way. Our job is to save your life, or at least make you feel better.
If you want a pillow, two blankets and the lights dimmed, go to the Ramada.

   ** If you have any sort of stomach pain and you ask for something to
eat, you are not sick.

** Do not talk shit about the other members of staff I work with. The
doctor that you hate? I work with him every day, and I know that he knows
what he is doing. I trust him a lot more that I trust you. I am not here to
be your friend, and neither is he. I will tell him what you said, and we
will laugh about it. If you want a buddy, go somewhere else.

** If you are homeless, don't ask for a bus token or cab voucher to get
home. It just confuses the staff.

** Please don't tell us how to do our job. Do we go to your place of
business and tell you how to do your job? Please don't bring in a show and
tell.

   ** If you have to fish it out of the toilet, it's really not necessary
to bring it in, we will take your word. If you did fish something out of
the toilet, you may not use my pen.